Gender & Safety (!)

This section is meant to provide cis women and trans folk with the knowledge they would need to benefit from safety mechanisms that are disproportionately inaccessible to people with disabilities. As an adult you are fully responsible for knowing what you can and cannot handle.

Despite lacking significant official data on trans and non-binary neurodivergent folk regarding sexual assault, we invite everyone to be included in this discussion.

We are aware that you are likely to be especially vulnerable, and we would like to provide you with as much control over lowering your risks as we can.

“They buried us, for they did not know we were seeds.”

Autistic People

As an Autistic person you are much more vulnerable, and female-bodied autistic people are more likely to experience sexual assault.

You may stick out of the crowd more, be less likely to have friends around you, and struggle to judge character.

It may be harder to notice if someone is following you, and you may not react or spot red flags as easily. The important thing is that you’re not alone.

A social network is something Autistic people struggle with more, so you won’t necessarily have access to “the sisterhood” if you need it. Women often teach themselves skills to stay safe, but if you aren’t friends with them, you will never benefit from it.

We are here to share with you what we know so that you can go to parties, stay out late, and know when you can relax. Unfortunately, because some individuals take it upon themselves to hurt others for personal gain, there is very little you can do because you’re not the problem. They are.

However, these strategies could minimize your risks, and this could be the difference between having a PTSD diagnosis or not.

  • These tools are not political
  • They are not even about empowerment

Our strategies on this topic are about playing your best response based on the reality in front of us. We want you to have tools that older generations of women would have wished they had.

Red Flags

… but you still have power.
  • “I do not show my emotions” or “I do not do feelings.”
    • Often means, “I am going to explode in six months and take it out on you.”
    • They physically intimidate you, punch walls, or otherwise behave physically violently, regardless of the reason.
    • Or it means, “You will spend months bending over backwards trying to connect with me and receive a fraction of kindness while harming yourself in the process.”
  • They do not get along with your friends, or your friends do not like them.
  • High highs and low lows.
  • Wanting you to give up your friendships or hobbies, thereby isolating you further.
  • Buying you expensive gifts.
  • Being
    • … controlling.
    • … unable to apologize and take responsibility.
    • … dismissive of your boundaries.
    • … selectively or strategically affectionate.
    • … hard to read.

  • Whether it is “intentional” or not, they are testing whether you will permit the behaviour or not.
  • Someone who cannot and is unwilling to learn to self-regulate will not change.
  • It will keep bubbling up and be triggered in different ways.
  • Even if they agree to attend therapy, they will not make progress unless they have genuinely opted into making persistent progress.
  • The progress they do make will take months or even years to undo, depending on how motivated they are to invest in changing both financially and emotionally, which you will never have control or influence over.

Strategies Neurotypical Women Often Learn

  • When coming back late,
    • Walk back with friends from outings whenever possible.
    • Use campus resources when available for rides or buddies, even if it means waiting for them to come get you.
    • Avoid shortcuts which pass through parks, side streets, or alleys. Even if it takes longer, stick to main streets.
  • If you are in the presence of a dangerous person and need to secretly dial 911, call the line and pretend you are ordering pizza.
    • “This is 911, what’s your emergency?”
    • “Hi I’ll get an order of a medium cheese pizza.”
    • “M’am are you in a safety sensitive position?”
    • “Yes, cheese pizza. You can put it on the card for John Doe.”
    • “Are they armed and is anyone injured? Where is your address?”
    • “No and no. We’re at 555 Street on Floor 0”

As you can see, these social cues are extremely important to learn about, and they must be taught.

Autiwoman-Specific Safety Strategies

Santa Marta, Colombia (2018)

“What if I can’t read faces?”

  • Go out of your way to surround yourself with friends who can protect you and give their impression of potential partners before you commit.
  • Be extra sensitive to your gut when you feel something is off. Even though you cannot describe it, someone who cannot read faces probably is picking up on just the tip of a massive problem.
  • If you meet someone you do not know well, even if you feel safe around them, make sure you get a phone app to track your location. There are plenty on the internet, so pick your favourite. They often require a buddy, so loop a friend or parent in.
    • Meet new people in public until they can be vetted by someone you trust.

Parties and Conferences

  • If you require a sensory break, avoid taking them around others.
    • Being the only one leaving a party can be just as dangerous as being left alone with someone if you have no one to walk towards home with for a few blocks.
  • Instead, seek out the bathroom or a locked closet nearby when no one is looking, and stay put until you feel replenished again.
    • Do not go into a bedroom or leave the premises without company.
    • Loud music from a party makes it hard to hear someone yelling for help in another room.
    • If there is only one bathroom and no closet, consider
      1. … leaving with someone.
      2. … grabbing an Uber.
      3. …staying in the bathroom, even if others are waiting, even if it draws attention.
  • If it keeps you safe and prevents a meltdown, take as long as you need.
  • Your safety is more important than being temporarily rude.
  • It is OK to have multiple uses for a bathroom.
    • They can wait.
    • They can go across the street.
    • They can hold it.
    • The more comfortable you feel taking up space, the easier it will be to replenish yourself effectively.
  • This allows you to avoid attracting unwanted attention, as someone who is easily taken advantage of. Creating a scene with people around is different because you are in company.
  • The attention you want to avoid is the kind when you are alone with someone who can easily overpower you with no one else around.

This is not about empowerment, this is about control.

More Resources

Footnotes

  1. Transgender, nonbinary, and two-spirit↩︎